I have been going back and forth on what to blog about today. There’s just so much I want to say about this past year–year #2 without Jake. I have been blessed beyond measure, I have found my calling as a counselor, I have been hurt by people close to me; I am tired and worn, I am joyful and hopeful. However, instead of giving you the nitty, gritty details of my year, I want to focus on where I have seen God. It would be so easy for me to tell you what went wrong this year. But, I want to show God’s light in everything I do–that’s why I choose to be positive, that’s why I choose to be better instead of bitter, that’s why I look for God’s good in the midst of turmoil. I’m so incredibly blessed to have been married to a godly man; he left us all with a great question–where did you see God (today, yesterday, two minutes ago)?
I am reminded time and time again of how many people love me and still pray for me. So, first, I see God in my friends and family who have stuck by my side from the very moment Jake died. I know it gets old hearing me talk about what happened again and again, but you are all still there for me regardless. You know that it’s good for me to talk things through. You each have supported me in my new career. You’re not afraid to tell me like it is–sometimes I need to be reminded to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You’ve cried with me, laughed with me (a lot), reminisced with me about an extraordinary man. I am forever grateful for our bond. You are one of the reasons I am getting through this unimaginable pain and hurt. God is good.
Second, I see God in my love for Jake. It has grown so much just in this past year. How can I love someone who is gone from this earth more today than when he was alive? I really don’t have a clear explanation on that one. But, when someone you love so much dies, you long for them, you would do anything to have them back, and in turn you love them more and more each day. It’s really not a good explanation, but there you have it. I didn’t even think there was any more love to give someone–but there is. And I know I will ALWAYS love my Jake. And I have great comfort in knowing that he loved me more than anything on this earth. I have been shown, through this, a small glimpse of God’s love for us. He never stops loving us, my friends. NEVER. Even when we do not deserve His love. I thought I knew what there was to know about love. God has shown me otherwise. We have a capacity to love over and over again–we don’t even comprehend how much we can love someone. How different would this world be if we tapped into that deep love for people? It gives me goosebumps thinking about it.
Finally (because I don’t want to make this too long), I see God in the Scriptures. You may be thinking, “well, duh, Becki!” But, I believe you can study His word and not really have your heart in it. Ever since I took a “break” from Facebook, I have been carving out much needed bible study time in the morning before my day starts. I have genuinely thought about what I was reading; I’ve made “reminder cards” for myself of different verses (for example… Psalm 23:1… my reminder to myself is “When you are in the valley, keep walking”). I have seen God so much more in my life just by studying His word. Also, I’ve been intentional in my prayers–I have been praying that I see God throughout my day. (Pray for that and see the beauty that unfolds for you that day.)
I really need to keep this question on the forefront of my mind… ALWAYS. It gives me a more positive perspective on life. I have let other people’s happiness to negatively affect my attitude. But, ever since turning to God and trying to see His perspective and goodness in my life, my attitude has changed. I cannot compare my life to others. The truth is, I have such a beautiful life! Yes, I have seen tragedy, I have felt immense pain and suffering, I have fallen down many times, but God has blessed me with an amazing life. And I know God holds my future in His hands; what better hands to be in!
My challenge for myself and for everyone is that we all pray each day to see God. Write down how you saw God that day–put these in a jar for a whole year, then read everything again. It gives me chill bumps just thinking about all of the amazing things God has done and will do for us! Change your perspective, open your heart to God, and see incredible change.